Don't know where this came from...

This is something that I have not really talked to Rich about. Not that I don't think he would be supportive, because I know he would. It is just something I have kept to myself. If people read it, or even if he does, that is fine because I can better explain myself by writing anyway. It's not like I'm trying to keep it a secret, I just don't want people to tell me "not to let things get to me."
Most people that know me knows I had to take fertility drugs to get pregnant with Allan. Rich and I tried for two years and I could not get pregnant. I did not ovulate. My first, 2nd and 3rd ultrasounds showed twins. Rich and I got to hear two separate heartbeats and dream of what it would be like to have two babies. That third time I went in for my ultrasound, one twin was much bigger than the other. I asked the U/S tech if that was normal and why it would be that way. She told me she was sorry but there was no longer a heartbeat for my other baby.
That took me a lot longer to get over than I think anyone actually realized. Of course Rich and my family were all upset too, but it affected me for a long time. I hated people telling me "At least you still have one baby." The does not make losing my other baby any easier. My pregnancy was considered high risk after that. I was told there was a chance I could lose Allan too. Allan also had heart arrhythmia. Luckily he outgrew it a few weeks before he was born.
When Allan was a year and a half I got back on fertility medicine. Rich and I wanted another baby. It did not work this time. Even after seeing a specialist I was told I would not be able to have anymore babies. What a surprise when I found out almost a year later that I had gotten pregnant again! I consider Aaron a true miracle. I had no fertility treatments or anything. It happened naturally.
All those years of not being able to have a baby, losing a baby, then having a baby, and then being told I never would have another and finally having another was a major up and down roller coaster ride for me. I'm sure it was for Rich also, but he does not express his feelings the way I do. We had many many discussions about whether I should get my tubes tied or not. I felt like I should because of everything we had been through. I did not want to have to go through it anymore. I did not ever want to have a C-Section again. I felt like financially it was a good choice to make as well. It is not cheap to raise a child! LOL. I also felt that it would be better to only have two children to divide my attention between. There were many many reasons Rich and I made our decision and I know we made the right one.
Even after all of this, there are times when it just hits me out of nowhere that I will never be pregnant again. I'll never have another baby. Aaron is already almost 2, Allan is 5. Of course they still need me, but for the most part they are pretty independent. I just have times where I get really sad about the idea of not having anymore kids. Do I regret getting my tubes tied? No, absolutely not. I still stand by all of those reasons I made my decision. If I could go back in time, I would still have done the same thing. I know I made the right choice.
I still get sad over it sometimes though. It just hits me sometimes that as much as I wanted to be a mom before I was one, as hurt as I felt when I had such trouble and as much as I grieved over losing Allan's twin; I still made the choice to never have a baby again. Maybe no one really understands how I can say I'm sad about a choice I made that I don't regret making. It is hard for me to even understand or explain. This is why I'm letting it all out here instead of trying to explain it to someone else.
Tonight was just a tough night for me emotionally. I babysat for Lilly and after she and both my boys went to sleep I just had too much time on my hands to think.